It is time to be positive and optimistic. The weather is being entirely uncooperative. It is cold, rainy and wet, but the grass is green and there are wonderful pink and fuschia coloured bushes flowering. Baltimore looks great to me, perhaps because we are leaving; ordinarily I find so much that is unattractive and uninviting in the city. I am reminded that these are the last several weeks that we will live here and I want to appreciate everything about it. The house is looking better and better and I like it more when it is crisp and clean. I wonder why we did not live this way these past years, and I remind myself that in our usual lives, we do not have the time to devote ourselves to organizing and cleaning; Eric and I have spent hours and hours on the house. Our first potential buyers/renters are coming tomorrow at 6 PM. I am less upset and more accepting about losing the house. I still feel that I may not return to Baltimore, but when I say that I sound silly and Eric isn't sure what to say or do. I believe he can hear that it is an observation and not a threat.
Tara and I disagreed about her year in Ecuador. My instructions to her have been to find something of her own, to make her own arrangements, to find something that will interest her. She has decided to work on an organic farm and participate in yoga daily in a commune. My reaction was negative. I had hoped she would volunteer to help others, to move out of the inward focus and turn outward, to give to others to grow herself. She was offended that I expressed that I was not supportive of her plans and felt controlled and unsupported. I do have mixed feelings about her going to Ecuador. I do not want her to miss a year of shcool and not gain anything in the process. I realize also that I have no control over what she does and almost no influence.
So I repeat my serenity prayer and remind myslef to put aside the things I cannot change and of course recognize what I can and cannot change. I cannot tell Tara what to do and I must accept her choice and hope she finds what she wants and needs and lands on her feet.
Tara is frustrated when I tell her I do not know what I am doing during my year in Ecuador. Either I list a dozen potential projects or I say that I am taking care of Eric and Maya. Either way I am avoiding giving her an answer. I do not have a clue what I will do. Currently I am devoting my energy to packing up to go. Once I am out of here I will be free to do whatever I want to do . I am looking forward to being free.