I suffered at the office.
The enormity of this move has hit me hard today. I am having second thoughts and wondering if this is really what I want to do. Perhaps I was too tired and jet-lagged to feel enthusiastic about Ecuador. I was at my office today and was horrified to find all my charts on the floor where I left them last week. My receptionist has decided not to file for me anymore. Whatever her reasons, I am full of sadness as I write up my discharge summaries and transfer the care of patients to my very capable colleagues.
Perhaps it was more difficult today because I have also decided that when I return I will not continue at this office. Having two offices is too complicated, and not having the cost of a secretary and billing person makes sense. Whatever makes sense doesn't really matter, it is still painful to say goodbye and leave a place I have spent six years working at. I am relieved to not have to deal with all the issues that have driven me speechless over and over again. Yet the relief is not enough to lessen the struggle of letting go.
Tara is the most excited of our foursome. Maya would rather her life stay exactly the same in every possible way. Eric tells me if I want to reverse course, I have that choice. But what now, do I tell everyone that I have changed my mind and try to get all my patients back? I guess I could, I could unpack all the boxes and fill up all the rooms and not sell the house. I have certainly not gone too far with this, I could still organize my life to stay.....I think I need to sleep and think about this in the morning.