Reality

I am making an effort to tell each patient about my departure and finalizing referrals and transfers. It is easy to forget that I am leaving and try to focus on the issues that present themselves in the here and now and avoid the looming reality. It is amazing to me that I can tell patients and then continue on as if the move to Ecuador was not happening and then I find myself functioning as if I was not going anywhere and not closing my practice and not renting/selling my house ( I am convinced it will not be sold, we are nowhere near ready to sell and there is so little time before we go!). But I feel pressure to get organized, focused, get through my to-do list, and sometimes the weight of what must be done is so great I am paralyzed and fearful and accomplish nothing.

It is not as if life without Ecuador was not full of activity anyway. School and work and friends and projects and outings and travel and family and more happen anyway. The Ecuador factor is on top of everything else that we have on our plates. I taught my last Wednesday pilates class tonight . I told my students that the class would be canceled, partly because it had not been full for some time and also because I had not found a replacement teacher. It felt sad but not awful and I will be teaching on Saturdays until the end of June, so I will see all the students several times before I go. But tonight was the first of many 'terminations', and I am still intact. This happened a little sooner than I expected, but it felt okay, and it gives me courage for the next goodbye, the next ending. In fact, I have transferred several patients who I do not see as regularly and it has felt fine for them and for me. It is those that I have closer regular contact with that are more difficult to say goodbye to. I steel myself every morning and force myself to remind everyone of my imminent departure, and plunge in as soon as I find the courage.

Yesterday I felt bolder. I saw myself as someone who has few doubts, who moves forward, is ready for anything, is not tied to place or security or safety. Today I am more uncomfortable, more fearful, more unsteady. I imagine I will go back and forth and up and down and land softly and moving forward.