I finally told Maya's violin teacher that we were certain about our move to Ecuador and her response was disturbing; that Maya would lose a year of violin and not be able to catch up. I believe her view is extreme, but I am feeling suitably guilty now and worried that I am limiting Maya by taking her away from New York and the Manhattan School of Music. On the other hand, there are too many great experiences ahead for Maya in Ecuador and part of me feels that if she is meant to advance in violin it will happen when it will happen. I also feel some relief, that the pressure on Maya will lessen; sometimes we are held hostage by violin practice and concerts and competitions and accompanists and orchestra; I will definitely have her practice regularly when we live in Quito, but I want to lighten up, if that is possible for me. Perhaps her music education will take an interesting turn that she will be exposed to different forms and styles of music, that she will take a break from classical music and discover other talents.
But today is a day of doubt. What am I doing with our lives? Am I making the right choice for Maya? Will she be thankful later or wish she had just stayed in Baltimore with her friends and her hobbies and everything that is familiar to her? When my parents moved us to Rome we were excited and loved our lives in Italy. Later, when we were tweens and teenageers, we resisted the move to Edmonton and complained bitterly to our parents; perhaps we never recovered from the move and left Edmonton and Canada because we could never adjust to our new lives. I present our adventure in Ecuador as a once in a lifetime experience that we must take advantage of. I have been so convincing that my daughter Tara has chosen to take a year off from NYU and join us! And I am not sure I am right about anything at this point. Will this truly be as incredible a year as I try to tell myself?
This move is so daunting. We have yet to finish organizing our house. It is not on the market yet and the more we work on our piles, the more paralyzed both Eric and I am and I wonder if at some point we will just look at each other and express our doubts and... I am not sure what will happen. Perhaps we are at a point of no return; I have referred my patients to other clinicians and have chosen a school for Maya, and Tara has not registered for another year at NYU, and Eric has organized his year abroad and we are all committed to this move. It often feels as if we are gone already, at least in spirit, and are just tying up the loose ends of our lives here in Baltimore.