Coming home means having to face the long lists of 'things to do before we go' and sort through piles of belongings and decide what to keep and what to throw away, what to pack and what to take with us to Ecuador. I would rather avoid it all and be in New York! I felt super anxious all day and overwhelmed by the enormity of what Eric and I have committed to do this year. Had I known how daunting the process would be, I'd have started three years ago! Had we sold out house two years ago we would have made a significant profit and the year in Ecuador would have been much easier. The way we are doing it feels unprepared, spontaneous, flying by the seat of our pants. I think I like that phrase and am delighted it fits here.
Both Eric and I have lost our focus these past few weeks. It is so easy to get busy with work and children and friends and family and everything but the house. Until recently I believed my ambivalence about selling was the problem, and perhaps it remains an obstacle, but Eric is keen on selling and he appears equally stuck. I would like to rent it though, and now is the time to get it ready to rent and I am still avoidant and not making the progress I ought to be making. I wonder if that is what the panic is about. I am uncomfortable and worried.
Maya is worried too. She does not want to leave what is familiar to her. Tonight she cried and talked about not belonging or feeling connected. I have made sure she has been with a freind every day of her spring break, but this year is the first year we have not gone skiing for the week, so it is unusual for Maya to be home and available. I am sure my anxiety is being communicated to her and she is expressing it so much better than I can.
I guess we are all struggling. We must push through.