Wednesday, April 7, 2010


I was determined to do as little as possible today, which was challenging. I wanted to take the time to recover and feel better. After preparing Maya for school and sending her off on the bus, I caught up on emails and writing and tried to put order in my life. I have been gone so much these past several weeks, I have left too much undone and unfinished.

Eric drove home from Yanayacu to teach his class at the university. He is eager to return to the cloud forest to continue his research, but agrees to stay for tomorrow morning and accompany me to the hospital. I will have a second MRI and discuss options and treatment with the neurosurgeon.

I suppose it is predictable that after an accident and injury, I would find myself thinking of death and illness and loss. In truth, I was lucky that the injury was not more serious, that Maya was not hurt, that we are back home safe and sound. Of course I wish the accident had not happened, but it could have been so much worse, so I want to feel relieved. Instead, I am feeling scared and vulnerable and for now, want to minimize risk as much as possible. Which means staying at home more, and being less adventuresome, which means not being me, or perhaps being a new me.

The other option is to live a life even bigger, choose more adventures, go more places, have fewer limits. I suggested to Eric that we sail around the world while we are still healthy and functional. He was not entirely averse to the suggestion, but his focus is on finishing his research and returning to Baltimore and getting tenure.

If my death was imminent, what would I choose to do with the time I have left? Today was a morbid day with morbid thoughts and fears. Winter has only recently come to Quito, which means daily rain in the afternoon. Maya and I were soaked several times between violin and ballet lessons. When it rains the traffic is much worse, and all the taxis are occupied and getting from place to place is a challenge. The dreariness of the day matched the dreariness of my thoughts.

Winter Has Arrived

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