Thursday, January 22, 2009

Fearing Change

I need to remind myself that this is an adventure, a choice that I have made and an experience that will prove to be life altering. I do not want my fears to overwhelm me. The greatest fear is being disconnected from all that I know, of losing myself and not being able to come back to the life I know. Not that I necessarily want to return to my life. I look forward to change and moving on. I have worked as a psychiatrist for twenty-five years. I have seen patients every day, have listened to their stories, tried to find solutions, felt their joy and their despair, rejoiced and commiserated, and never tired of it. I am finding it difficult to let these people go, I am holding on... I need to tell all my patients of my impending departure, I am compelled to find them a new physician so they will not feel abandoned, and am pleased to have found a nurse practitioner who will be a good fit for many. I hope that the transition will go well, I am not anticipating too much difficulty, I have limited anxiety about my professional life.

It is selling my house that scares me most. I feel secure having a home to return to. I love to get away, travel, explore, adventure, but I also love coming home, having a place to belong to. The house is a tether , a foundation for our lives here. If we sell it, I feel I have nothing to return to, I will be unable to return if I no longer have a home. My husband does not understand that. His solution is practical; we cannot afford to live in Ecuador and maintain our house here. It is logical, makes sense, the numbers are convincing. But I cannot imagine not having the house. We had a 'stager' come to the house and tell us what to do to prepare it to sell. Eric had two real estate agents look at the house and both were eager to get the house on the market as soon as possible. I could not bear to meet either of them. I believe they expected the house to be ready to market in early January. Of course, it is now a month later and we have done nothing to prepare it to sell.

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