Tuesday, July 28, 2009

No More Fun

I wonder if the stress of the last few months will truly translate into something positive. So much anxiety, so little sleep, not much fun. I am feeling defeated today. I never imagined that my life would be on hold for four months, that so much energy would be devoted to packing and organizing and leaving, and that I would feel so deprived. Whenever I have felt overwhelmed, Eric has reassured me, encouraged me to look forward, that our year away would make it all worth it, but I am not always convinced. I have had to work so hard, give up so much, stress so much, hurt so much. I want a vacation! And I am not sure that Ecuador will be a vacation. It will be an interesting experience, and adventure some of the time, but not a vacation. I am not sure what to expect from our year away.

I fought tears today. Driving the car brings me to tears, watching Maya participate in my ballet class makes me tearful, learning from my doctor that my LDL cholesterol necessitated medication treatment put me over the top and I have been miserable all day. That was the final straw. I had wanted to be in Boston and Woods Hole these three days and really have a few days of vacation, now that I have accomplished so much and am almost ready to go, but I am in Baltimore unexpectedly, and being in Baltimore means working on my 'to do' list. I cannot just relax and enjoy the three days that I have here.

On the other hand, Maya is enjoying her friends. Belina and Marius leave for France in the morning, and after saying all our goodbyes Sunday, they have appreciated two extra play days. Maya has been sad these weeks since school ended. A year away is a long time, and she is very attached to her life here, her friends, her ballet, her violin, her school. She has me promise her daily that she will return to the same school and the same activities and the same life that she has known.

I have felt that with all the preparations and time and effort that has been devoted to our move to Ecuador, it will be impossible to return. Leaving my work, my patients, my lifestyle, has been remarkably difficult. I cannot imagine coming back to our lives here.

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