Today was a day designed to accomplish a long list of tasks. I came to work early, saw my first patient, took a wonderful 90 minute hot yoga class, returned to my office and contemplated the piles of paper and items to attend to. Before I knew it, my two available hours had passed and more patients were scheduled. I wonder if the more time one has the less efficient one is. I have been winding down my practice for several weeks now and have two intense days on Tuesday and Thursday and half filled hours on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I try to make progress on paperwork and referring patients when I have free time, but I find myself preoccupied with everything but the work that must be finished.
I have always been efficient with my time, using every minute and starring in multi-tasking marathons. I am ordinarily proud of my effectiveness and my ability to do ten things at once. However, now that I have more time available, I find myself less and less effective. It happens at home as well. I have so much to do to get the house ready for sale/rent, but I find many other things to be preoccupied with, and accomplish little. I wonder if it is ambivalence about the move that slows me down, but at this point I am eager to get on with the move and experience my new adventure. I know from my patients (I learn everything there is to learn from my interactions with my patients and live vicariously through their experiences and therein become more and more aware) that retirement is a difficult adjustment, that it takes time and effort to sort oneself out after leaving work. One expects there to be an overabundance of time, but somehow that time fills up and often one accomplishes less and less.
So much must be done, there are no shortcuts, I will have to put in the time, both at the office and at home. I feel that I am a hostage, and cannot move forward without finishing the work on the house, moving out of my office, placing all my patients, getting my passport and a visa, finding a home for my dog, organizing Maya's school, Tara's university plans etc etc etc. This is where Eric comes in. He complains incessantly of not getting through his list of priorities, and I find him frustratingly unfocused most of the time, however, when it is essential, he is brutally efficient, and can storm through housework and cleaning and organizing. Most importantly, he is able to get rid of junk, without second thoughts, without hesitation. That is a useful skill at this point.
And so I sit in my bed listening to Maya play the violin, playing on my computer, thinking of everything that I must do and then return to the music.