More Tears

More tears today. They started before I arrived at the opthalmologist for an eye exam. My pupils were as big as my iris for the rest of the day, which made me feel whoozy and unsettled. I was afraid to drive, and spent more time in my office finishing up paperwork. It appears that I am having huge difficulties letting go. I want to leave my office in absolutely perfect shape!

When I picked Maya up after a day of swimming, her eyes were red and tearful too. Perhaps it was the chlorine, but she too has been overly sensitive these past few days. We said goodbye to the Benichous this morning. Daphne drove Julien and the children to Newark to catch a plane to Stockholm for an eight hour layover and then on to Barcelona, which is only three hours from their place in Provence, or actually it is Languedoc, which Julien makes a point of. We had planned to visit them when we were in Paris last summer, but could not drag ourselves from the City of Light and the train fares were frightfully expensive. Next time we travel to France, we are committed not to miss a trip to the south.

I remember how painful it was for my sisters and I to leave our lives in Rome and move to Edmonton, so I keep reminding myself when I see Maya and her sad eyes. Children do not like change and neither do adults. I want desperately for Ecuador to be an absolutely stunning experience for Maya and for Eric and me. I want the positive experience to be at least equal in magnitude to the agony of the preparation of the past four months. It has to be worth the pain and the work and the losses., except I do not know how to measure such things. I am fearful that I have given up so much (everything, almost) and that nothing can make up for the losses.

I kick myself, because I want to be the kind of person that enjoys the journey. Why could these past months not have been fun and adventuresome? I feel that I have failed already because I have felt burdened and frustrated and angry and anxious and overwhelmed and there have not been an equal and opposite set of positive emotions. The bursts of enthusiasm simply do not last very long.