We signed the lease for the new tenants. Yesterday, I spoke with LeAnn, the wife of the couple, and I felt somewhat reassured, but reviewing the lease with the real estate agent today did not feel comfortable. Why should I trust her or the tenants? Eric is so eager to get things moving forward, he appears to have no hesitation and is clearly relieved that we have a suitable renter. This is all new to me, and I ought to feel energized by moving forward on renting the house. In truth, all has gone quite well. The house has been 'for rent' for a few weeks, a renter has come through, and they appear reasonable. Everything is on track; why do I not feel better?
After two weeks of frustration with my angry teenager, she has taken the bus to New York for a few days before her flight to Nice for two months in Europe. And I miss her and regret all the wasted moments while we avoided each other. I have to remind myself that I did the same at her age, that I could not wait to get away from my parents and start my own life. And in the end, everything worked out just fine. Tara is truly long gone from the daily ins and outs of my life. But her life is moving in a different direction from that of ours, and there is a finality about her departure. When she is with us, she does not want to follow the rules or limits of the household, which creates all sorts of tension and heated words, but when she is gone, the house feels empty and I am bereft. Do all parents feel this way? Alternately relieved when the children leave and missing them terribly.
We are leaving for Canada tomorrow. My parents and sisters will be meeting us in Ottawa for a celebration of my niece's graduation from Queen's University in Kingston, Ontario. It will be an opportunity for all the family to be together for the first time since my parents' 50th wedding anniversary in the spring of 2006. Eric is going to meet colleagues and collaborators in Ottawa and Montreal. Interestingly there is quite a concentration of 'electric fish' scientists in both cities. Our purpose, however, is to see the family. When we are in Ecuador we most likely will not have opportunities to return to Canada or France or the US to see family. That will be difficult for me; usually I see my parents three or four times a year, most recently only in their home in Edmonton. At 89 and 76, they are not eager to travel or disrupt the routine of their lives. I see each of my sisters at least once or twice yearly. I am expecting at least Monica and her husband, who live in Boston and San Francisco, to come to Ecuador for a visit. I will try to convince Karen to as well.
For all the adventure and excitement of our move to Ecuador, losing regular contact with my family is an unacceptable price to pay. Eric and I will be bringing a computer to my parents. We will drive it to Ottawa and my nephew will transport it to my parents' house in Edmonton and set it up. Karen has been there to organize for internet service and Eric has set up my iMac to provide them with internet, skype and videochat. They will be able to see us and call us daily if they wish. Maya will play the violin for them over the internet ( she does it over the phone for them from Baltimore to Edmonton at least once or twice a week). I look forward to seeing them daily! I hope they will be open and skilled enough to make it work for them. Of course, if there are any glitches, they will be paralyzed (as am I when my computer stops working for me, but Eric is always available to fix any problem with it!) I will have to arrange for someone to help them out if necessary. The likelihood of this venture working is less than 50-50, but well worth the effort.
We will return in a week and the movers will be here to empty the house on June 15. We will keep one bed, which belongs in the trash when we leave permanently. And personal effects. Initially I thought it would be fun to have an empty house, devoid of furniture and 'stuff'. Once I made the decision, I have doubts again. Yikes! What did I agree to? Why in the world did I go along with all this? Eric will be in Cape Cod for his summer work at the Marine Biological Laboratory. Maya and I will stay in our house, traveling back and forth to Woods Hole to visit Eric every weekend. I will continue to gradually close down my practice, and Maya will attend the ballet camp she regularly attends each summer. She is pushing for a more intense ballet program in Pennsylvania in August, but I expect we will be in Ecuador by then.
The preparation for the move feels endless. I remind myself that we started mid March, so that is not quite three months, so it is a finite amount of time. Not endless, not intolerable, not an impossible struggle. And all the pieces are coming together and working just as they were meant to happen. Why does every step of the way present me with pain and doubt? Eric keeps expecting me to be joyous with every turn. He reminds me that in weeks we will be in Ecuador having our adventure. Why am I not relieved? The house is rented, the movers are coming, we are seeing my family, closing my office is generally going well, Maya is registered for her school, Tara is happy with her summer plans in Europe this summer; things are going well!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Karma
I found myself in the Emergency Room today. I am not sure it was entirely indicated but then again I would not spend three hours in the ER if I knew it to be unnecessary, or would I? I have diagnosed myself (not really appropriate; doctors cannot heal themselves) these past weeks with incredible stress- related anxiety, and have until today decided that my heavy chest pain was directly associated with the many difficulties I have been faced with. Perhaps I went to the ER today to avoid arguing with my daughter, or not to face the house or my departure or leaving my practice, or whatever I may not want to deal with. Hazard of hte profession; I find myself questioning what may appear to be perfectly reasonable decisions.
Once I announced to my family that I was going to the ER, I delayed my departure. I played violin with Maya, I waited for Eric to come home and cook dinner (bloody steaks which both Tara and I did not eat). Once I really had no more excuses about leaving, I got into my car and started driving toward a 'doc in the box' called Patient First but drove into GBMC when it appeared to my right. Chest pain got me past the electronic double doors immediately for an EKG which was normal. Another hour passed during which I read travel magazines from last year and and started to get antsy. Finally I spoke to a triage nurse and started to feel ridiculous. Was I making this all up or was this presentation legitimate? Bloodwork was next and then it was out to the waiting room again where I did not want to read old magazines anymore and began fiddling with my iphone. I called my offices and got messages and returned them. I looked at my email and then erased messages and realized that I was really just fine and there were far more ill people waiting for care and what was I doing wasting the doctors' time?
I walked out to the clerk at the front and said I was leaving I thought I had been there three hours and it was in fact only two and the nurse brought me to the inner sanctum, so after explaining that I did not think my symptoms were serious and that I really wanted to leave, she suggested that at least I wait for a doctor. I read last Sunday's New York Times but it did not engage me ( I have lost interest in politics and that has ruined the Times for me!). I began texting Eric furiously and then tried to text anyone else I could think of. Finally a very sweet and serious doctor came in to tell me I needed to be admitted to stay in CCU and get a stress test in the morning. I tried to convince him that I was fine, and in the end I had to sign a paper that I refused a stress test, but I assured him that I would contact a cardiologist the next day.
He asked me about stress, and I realized when I told him a tiny smidgeon of the enormous events that were occurring in my life, that there is simply too much going on. The renting and emptying of the house, the closing of two practices, the difficulty terminating patients, the disagreements with my daughter and my worries about her, the finalization of all our plans for our year away, the illness of my mother, the strain on Eric and I; there is just too much to manage and limited resources to do so.
When I finally signed the papers to absolve the hospital of responsibility, I walked our of the emergency area and found myself feeling lighter in the pouring rain and the lightning strikes. Was it because no obvious pathology was discovered? That I had three hours of rest? I was held hostage in the ER and could not accomplish anything; I could only sit and think and wait.
I came home to Maya and Tara sleeping together in the guest room on Maya's mattress on the floor and Eric working on the computer. I do not feel terrible about my visit to the ER. It was three hours of my life, and not all that reassuring. I wonder if it is just one more thing on my list that I have taken care of, that I can strike of my list of 'things to do'. I could not stay in the hospital and indulge myself for the whole night and part of tomorrow. I cannot imagine keeling over in the next few days, and perhaps once again this is anxiety manifesting itself ( not that it is not manifested regularly anyway).
Karma is odd. I sent a patient to the ER yesterday (and avoided the same ER today) and then I find myself in the ER for my own issues. I wonder f it means anything (what goes around comes around) or is just coincidental and meaningless. For a minute or two (especially when the doctor was trying to convince me to stay) I wanted to tell him it did not matter if I did fall over with an MI, but that would sound negative and I amended my words and reassured him. I am home and safe for now.
Once I announced to my family that I was going to the ER, I delayed my departure. I played violin with Maya, I waited for Eric to come home and cook dinner (bloody steaks which both Tara and I did not eat). Once I really had no more excuses about leaving, I got into my car and started driving toward a 'doc in the box' called Patient First but drove into GBMC when it appeared to my right. Chest pain got me past the electronic double doors immediately for an EKG which was normal. Another hour passed during which I read travel magazines from last year and and started to get antsy. Finally I spoke to a triage nurse and started to feel ridiculous. Was I making this all up or was this presentation legitimate? Bloodwork was next and then it was out to the waiting room again where I did not want to read old magazines anymore and began fiddling with my iphone. I called my offices and got messages and returned them. I looked at my email and then erased messages and realized that I was really just fine and there were far more ill people waiting for care and what was I doing wasting the doctors' time?
I walked out to the clerk at the front and said I was leaving I thought I had been there three hours and it was in fact only two and the nurse brought me to the inner sanctum, so after explaining that I did not think my symptoms were serious and that I really wanted to leave, she suggested that at least I wait for a doctor. I read last Sunday's New York Times but it did not engage me ( I have lost interest in politics and that has ruined the Times for me!). I began texting Eric furiously and then tried to text anyone else I could think of. Finally a very sweet and serious doctor came in to tell me I needed to be admitted to stay in CCU and get a stress test in the morning. I tried to convince him that I was fine, and in the end I had to sign a paper that I refused a stress test, but I assured him that I would contact a cardiologist the next day.
He asked me about stress, and I realized when I told him a tiny smidgeon of the enormous events that were occurring in my life, that there is simply too much going on. The renting and emptying of the house, the closing of two practices, the difficulty terminating patients, the disagreements with my daughter and my worries about her, the finalization of all our plans for our year away, the illness of my mother, the strain on Eric and I; there is just too much to manage and limited resources to do so.
When I finally signed the papers to absolve the hospital of responsibility, I walked our of the emergency area and found myself feeling lighter in the pouring rain and the lightning strikes. Was it because no obvious pathology was discovered? That I had three hours of rest? I was held hostage in the ER and could not accomplish anything; I could only sit and think and wait.
I came home to Maya and Tara sleeping together in the guest room on Maya's mattress on the floor and Eric working on the computer. I do not feel terrible about my visit to the ER. It was three hours of my life, and not all that reassuring. I wonder if it is just one more thing on my list that I have taken care of, that I can strike of my list of 'things to do'. I could not stay in the hospital and indulge myself for the whole night and part of tomorrow. I cannot imagine keeling over in the next few days, and perhaps once again this is anxiety manifesting itself ( not that it is not manifested regularly anyway).
Karma is odd. I sent a patient to the ER yesterday (and avoided the same ER today) and then I find myself in the ER for my own issues. I wonder f it means anything (what goes around comes around) or is just coincidental and meaningless. For a minute or two (especially when the doctor was trying to convince me to stay) I wanted to tell him it did not matter if I did fall over with an MI, but that would sound negative and I amended my words and reassured him. I am home and safe for now.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Tough Days
What a day! Not the worst day possible, but one of those days that are super uncomfortable. My job is to treat psychiatric illness and prevent suicide. When a patient tells me they plan to kill themselves, I am obliged to make an assessment of whether they are dangerous or not and whether hospitalization is necessary. Ordinarily I put alot of energy into urging the patient to go to hospital voluntarily, and most often they do. Sometimes it is challenging to know if hospitalization is the best course of action. I never know for sure, and I am often worried.
It is unusual for me to write up an 'emergency petition' or call the police. The police do a good job, but it is not always 'warm and fuzzy' or particularly sensitive. I guess calling the police implies a measure of violence. This all happened when Eric was driving Maya to my office. The plan was to pick up Maya's new eyeglasses at the mall, but when Eric and Maya drove up with Rita's ice-cream, the police were doing their job, and I did not want Maya to see any of the ugliness, so I sent them away while I dealt with the police and the patient.
My heart was pounding in my chest and I was shaking throughout the process. I felt lucky to have a colleague with me for support. I also felt rather silly watching my ice-cream melt in my hands while the patient was handcuffed and marched/dragged to the backseat of the police car. I felt horrible. Later in the emergency room, the patient denied being suicidal and the psychiatrist on call felt uncertain that the emergency petition would hold. Such a waste of effort.
I did not want Maya to know about what was going on. She was so excited to get her new eyeglasses and actually see what was going on around her. I did not know she could not see, or at least she had said nothing until these past few weeks. I did not want her to have glasses, but now that she does, I must admit she looks adorable! The phone kept ringing this evening, from the hospital, from the patient, from my mother, from my daughter's therapist, from Eric. I felt paralyzed and did not attend to much. Warmed up pasta and tomatoes for dinner, limited violin, lost of talk, a bubble bath and planning our trip to Canada. We will drive up Saturday to surprise Lorna (she knows!) and meet my parents and sisters in Ottawa. Lorna graduates from Queen's University with a degree in Political science. It will be a celebration! The event is actually in Kingston, some miles from Ottawa, and after the family events, Eric, Maya and Karen and I will spend some days in Montreal.
And so the house demands are sidelined for all sorts of reasons. Perfectly reasonable. We will plan more tomorrow
It is unusual for me to write up an 'emergency petition' or call the police. The police do a good job, but it is not always 'warm and fuzzy' or particularly sensitive. I guess calling the police implies a measure of violence. This all happened when Eric was driving Maya to my office. The plan was to pick up Maya's new eyeglasses at the mall, but when Eric and Maya drove up with Rita's ice-cream, the police were doing their job, and I did not want Maya to see any of the ugliness, so I sent them away while I dealt with the police and the patient.
My heart was pounding in my chest and I was shaking throughout the process. I felt lucky to have a colleague with me for support. I also felt rather silly watching my ice-cream melt in my hands while the patient was handcuffed and marched/dragged to the backseat of the police car. I felt horrible. Later in the emergency room, the patient denied being suicidal and the psychiatrist on call felt uncertain that the emergency petition would hold. Such a waste of effort.
I did not want Maya to know about what was going on. She was so excited to get her new eyeglasses and actually see what was going on around her. I did not know she could not see, or at least she had said nothing until these past few weeks. I did not want her to have glasses, but now that she does, I must admit she looks adorable! The phone kept ringing this evening, from the hospital, from the patient, from my mother, from my daughter's therapist, from Eric. I felt paralyzed and did not attend to much. Warmed up pasta and tomatoes for dinner, limited violin, lost of talk, a bubble bath and planning our trip to Canada. We will drive up Saturday to surprise Lorna (she knows!) and meet my parents and sisters in Ottawa. Lorna graduates from Queen's University with a degree in Political science. It will be a celebration! The event is actually in Kingston, some miles from Ottawa, and after the family events, Eric, Maya and Karen and I will spend some days in Montreal.
And so the house demands are sidelined for all sorts of reasons. Perfectly reasonable. We will plan more tomorrow
Monday, June 1, 2009
Marginal Existence
It appears that our renters are perfectly reasonable. They are originally from Connecticut and have lived in North Carolina for twelve years. The family has three children but two will be at college and the youngest will attend Friend's School. The husband works in the Baltimore /DC area and they like Baltimore and want to rent for a year. The contract is for July 1, but the renters are fine with starting July 15 and accommodating us. I wanted to meet them but they are not around for another two weeks. I have to be sure that they will be respectful and take care of the house. Of course talking on the telephone will not reassure me entirely. Both Eric and I are so eager to move forward with the house and with the move, that it is very compelling to accept this contract. I am advised however to make the effort and make sure that the renters are responsible and reliable. I am not sure how to do that without meeting them. Actually I am not sure how to do any of this. How can I possibly be sure that this will work out? How extensive will the real estate agent/company investigation be? How does one proceed with this?
This is all about trust. Strangers will live in our house; what an odd thought. We have no idea what will happen. We have to trust the real estate agent (I don't!) and that the renters will take care of the house as if it was their own. What does that mean? What if they don't take care of their own house? What if they don't pay the rent? Eric seems much more relaxed about it. Is this where I need to just back off and trust? I am not sure I can do that. If anything goes wrong with the house I will hold Eric responsible. My friends in California had many stories about horrible renters, from non-paying ones to those who burned down the house! I guess if it burns down, at least our piles of stuff are not going to be destroyed. Or would I rather everything disappear? There is no doubt that our empty house is far more attractive. It is stunning that we have packed so much away; there is still so much not yet packed and the house is full!
I have a feeling that we will go through with this contract. I am taking the latter part of the week off to move things forward. In the end, I am not sure what I can do to feel confident about renting the house. I m relieved that we are not selling it and that we have a home to return to in a year.
I have been talking to more peripheral people in my life about our move to Ecuador and the reaction has been consistently 'shock and awe". Generally the response is that we are crazy to be leaving everything behind, including our home and my medical practices, to live marginally in a third world country, taking our daughter out of all her activities, uncertain about everything about our lives in this new environment. Most of the questions I am asked make me realize how little I really know about Ecuador or what to expect.
This is all about trust. Strangers will live in our house; what an odd thought. We have no idea what will happen. We have to trust the real estate agent (I don't!) and that the renters will take care of the house as if it was their own. What does that mean? What if they don't take care of their own house? What if they don't pay the rent? Eric seems much more relaxed about it. Is this where I need to just back off and trust? I am not sure I can do that. If anything goes wrong with the house I will hold Eric responsible. My friends in California had many stories about horrible renters, from non-paying ones to those who burned down the house! I guess if it burns down, at least our piles of stuff are not going to be destroyed. Or would I rather everything disappear? There is no doubt that our empty house is far more attractive. It is stunning that we have packed so much away; there is still so much not yet packed and the house is full!
I have a feeling that we will go through with this contract. I am taking the latter part of the week off to move things forward. In the end, I am not sure what I can do to feel confident about renting the house. I m relieved that we are not selling it and that we have a home to return to in a year.
I have been talking to more peripheral people in my life about our move to Ecuador and the reaction has been consistently 'shock and awe". Generally the response is that we are crazy to be leaving everything behind, including our home and my medical practices, to live marginally in a third world country, taking our daughter out of all her activities, uncertain about everything about our lives in this new environment. Most of the questions I am asked make me realize how little I really know about Ecuador or what to expect.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Teenage Angst
I have been struggling with my teenage daughter. Whenever I get excessively angry, I have to remind myself that she is figuring out how to be independent and be her own person, and part of that is avoiding her family and her home and her life here. I remind myself to just let go and let her be, and then I get pulled in because she is not truly independent or prepared enough to be on her own. I am reminded that every generation bemoans the next. We remember being so capable as young people. Were we really so responsible? What if I have not prepared her well enough for the world? She is off to Italy and France for the summer and has found herself a job in San Remo and Nice. What a resourceful person she is! She has decided not to go to NYU next year and volunteer in Ecuador while we are there. On the surface that sounds like a wonderful idea, but I have all sorts of worries about her and her choices and her safety. But then I remind myself that I have no control over her life. I have given her the freedom to decide where she goes to school and what she studies and what she does with her year off. I find it very confusing when she yells at me and tells me that I control her life and ruin it all for her!
I don't think she believes me when I tell her I want her to live her own life and figure it out for herself. I remember doing exactly that as a young adult, and loving the freedom and the possibilities and the adventure. Turning eighteen was so exciting! Anything could happen and I could make it happen! I don't think Tara has got to that point yet. She avoids coming home and then when she does come home she feels confined and limited and angry at me. And I get angry because she does not participate or involve herself in our lives. Why would she?
So time to let go, let her be, let her live her life. And I feel relieved. I like having no control, I feel better when I pull back and am less reactive and less involved. I am not sure she believes me when I tell her I just want her to be happy, whatever that is and however that happens. I just don't want it to take too long or be too painful to get there. But I have no control over that either.
Clearly it has been a painful few days. We were with our good friends Daphne and Julien tonight, and Daphne pointed out that perhaps it is difficult for Tara to see us packing up the house and moving everything out. Watching your childhood home disappear must be unsettling, even though she has been away most of the past two years! Perhaps she is resistant to helping out because it is painful for her to move on with her life. I can understand that!
Yet at this moment I am eager to go! We will review the lease contract tomorrow and perhaps meet the potential renters and then attack the remainder of the house and be out of here in a few weeks. This is finally happening!
I don't think she believes me when I tell her I want her to live her own life and figure it out for herself. I remember doing exactly that as a young adult, and loving the freedom and the possibilities and the adventure. Turning eighteen was so exciting! Anything could happen and I could make it happen! I don't think Tara has got to that point yet. She avoids coming home and then when she does come home she feels confined and limited and angry at me. And I get angry because she does not participate or involve herself in our lives. Why would she?
So time to let go, let her be, let her live her life. And I feel relieved. I like having no control, I feel better when I pull back and am less reactive and less involved. I am not sure she believes me when I tell her I just want her to be happy, whatever that is and however that happens. I just don't want it to take too long or be too painful to get there. But I have no control over that either.
Clearly it has been a painful few days. We were with our good friends Daphne and Julien tonight, and Daphne pointed out that perhaps it is difficult for Tara to see us packing up the house and moving everything out. Watching your childhood home disappear must be unsettling, even though she has been away most of the past two years! Perhaps she is resistant to helping out because it is painful for her to move on with her life. I can understand that!
Yet at this moment I am eager to go! We will review the lease contract tomorrow and perhaps meet the potential renters and then attack the remainder of the house and be out of here in a few weeks. This is finally happening!
Saturday, May 30, 2009
We Are Not Moving
So much has been happening in our house and with our plans to move that I have not been paying attention to Baltimore. Spring has come and gone and summer is here. It was a gorgeous sunny day. In my normal life I would never stay inside on a beautiful Saturday, but our lives are so not normal now; we are entirely geared toward moving to Ecuador and that takes precedence every moment. I was back in the office today, saying goodbye again and attacking my mountains of paperwork. Maya was at a skating party with many of her friends from school and from dance class. I was delighted that she tried to skate again. Two Christmases ago she had tried skating at an ice rink in Edmonton, and had fallen on her face. She came off the ice screaming with blood pouring out of her nose. She refused to skate after that, and insisted that she would not get on the ice today. But she did skate and she did enjoy it, and it was a good way to say goodbye to her friends.
Moving to Ecuador is who we are now. It defines our daily lives, our relationships with our friends and every waking moment! Our house must be ready at a moment's notice for potential renters/buyers ( I am not selling the house!), Eric and I have university/office work to do anytime, anyplace. and any time at home is devoted to readying the house in some way. There are always more boxes, more tasks, more cleaning, more organizing. And with each day, the urgency mounts. If we accept the recent lease contract, we must get out next week. We will be in Canada with my family celebrating my niece's graduation the week after and Eric will leave for his two month teaching stint in Woods Hole by June 19, so we have literally three or four days to remove every bit of ourselves from the house (except for the suitcase we each bring to Ecuador). I am not sure where Maya and I will live after July 1. I guess we did not think of that. Maya has ballet camp and I had planned to see more patients into July. Perhaps I will crash somewhere, we certainly have not planned adequately! We offered the house for July 1, but Eric and I decided that I needed to work a little longer to create a bit of a cushion....perhaps we did not expect to get renters as soon as July 1. I find myself reasonably calm about this; it will work out.
Moving to Ecuador occupies all our moments and our conversations. I am repeating the story with each appointment, and at Maya's party I am again divulging details about our plans. I had my hair cut today. I had a half hour between patients, enough to run down to the salon near my office. I took the only available slot, and my hairdresser was a large bodybuilder, who when I mentioned my Ecuador journey, told me he had a regular client who worked in the travel business promoting the Galapagos. I heard all sorts of wonderful things about Ecuador, but also worries about the rainforest disappearing and the Galapagos becoming overpopulated. This man had spent much of his time watching Discovery channel and National Geographic and knew Ecudaor well he had never been there. Of course he thought I was incredibly lucky to have this opportunity. I hear that from everyone; what an amazing chance this is. Of course I agree, but it is easy to forget how remarkable this adventure is. I can get so lost in the burdensome details and forget that in weeks, I will no longer be moving to Ecuador, I will be there.
I was supposed to meet my friend Emily at 5 PM today and was grocery shopping with Maya and her friend, knowing that I was supposed to be somewhere else but not quite remembering. Either there is just too much on my plate or I am truly dementing. I was horrified when I arrived 25 minutes late. Emily is a university professor and a mother and is taking a six week sabbatical to Australia and is totally organized , and is buying a new house too! I was in awe! No more complaining for me! Everything is working out well.
Moving to Ecuador is who we are now. It defines our daily lives, our relationships with our friends and every waking moment! Our house must be ready at a moment's notice for potential renters/buyers ( I am not selling the house!), Eric and I have university/office work to do anytime, anyplace. and any time at home is devoted to readying the house in some way. There are always more boxes, more tasks, more cleaning, more organizing. And with each day, the urgency mounts. If we accept the recent lease contract, we must get out next week. We will be in Canada with my family celebrating my niece's graduation the week after and Eric will leave for his two month teaching stint in Woods Hole by June 19, so we have literally three or four days to remove every bit of ourselves from the house (except for the suitcase we each bring to Ecuador). I am not sure where Maya and I will live after July 1. I guess we did not think of that. Maya has ballet camp and I had planned to see more patients into July. Perhaps I will crash somewhere, we certainly have not planned adequately! We offered the house for July 1, but Eric and I decided that I needed to work a little longer to create a bit of a cushion....perhaps we did not expect to get renters as soon as July 1. I find myself reasonably calm about this; it will work out.
Moving to Ecuador occupies all our moments and our conversations. I am repeating the story with each appointment, and at Maya's party I am again divulging details about our plans. I had my hair cut today. I had a half hour between patients, enough to run down to the salon near my office. I took the only available slot, and my hairdresser was a large bodybuilder, who when I mentioned my Ecuador journey, told me he had a regular client who worked in the travel business promoting the Galapagos. I heard all sorts of wonderful things about Ecuador, but also worries about the rainforest disappearing and the Galapagos becoming overpopulated. This man had spent much of his time watching Discovery channel and National Geographic and knew Ecudaor well he had never been there. Of course he thought I was incredibly lucky to have this opportunity. I hear that from everyone; what an amazing chance this is. Of course I agree, but it is easy to forget how remarkable this adventure is. I can get so lost in the burdensome details and forget that in weeks, I will no longer be moving to Ecuador, I will be there.
I was supposed to meet my friend Emily at 5 PM today and was grocery shopping with Maya and her friend, knowing that I was supposed to be somewhere else but not quite remembering. Either there is just too much on my plate or I am truly dementing. I was horrified when I arrived 25 minutes late. Emily is a university professor and a mother and is taking a six week sabbatical to Australia and is totally organized , and is buying a new house too! I was in awe! No more complaining for me! Everything is working out well.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Hour By Hour
Whew! I have worked ten hours daily for four days. That is too much for the type of work that I do, so I feel exhausted! Not that every moment has been agonizing. There have been several instances that my patients have been working to support me when I whine about how difficult the move is! Perhaps I am loosening up at the office, focusing on saying goodbye rather than doing what I ought to be doing, but perhaps saying goodbye is what I need to be doing, and it is saying goodbye that is most distressing. In fact, I have not been consistent at all. I start off the session trying to wrap things up and end up adding another session in another month. I am avoiding saying goodbye.
I came home to children wanting food. I felt like a mother bird returning to her nest with her little birds. I cooked and got everything onto the table and then my oldest daughter picked over her food and ate almost nothing. I have to adjust to my college age daughter being home. She is fiercely independent and has been away most of the past for two years, and is accustomed to running her own life and not listening to her mother or contributing to the household. It makes me crazy of course, and she is clearly eager to get out of the house as soon as possible, which both makes me sad and relieved. I am surprised she wants to come to Ecuador with us; I guess she wants to go to Ecuador but does not want to be too close to her family. Which is perfectly normal for teenagers. I cannot remember wanting to be around my parents at that age!!!!
Maya will have only three more days of school. She cleaned out her desk and her locker today and seems to be gearing toward our year away. When I am more positive about Ecuador, she gets more excited. Unfortunately I have been unable to get her interested in learning Spanish. I have Spanish instruction books and workbooks and they do not catch her attention at all. I wonder how we will get her prepared for school. We register next Monday, and pay a big chunk of her tuition, so that will be a moment of commitment. We have a lease offer too, and that will be another move toward commitment. I want to find something wrong with the offer, so I can have some room to keep my options open. Avoiding decisions as usual.
I came home to children wanting food. I felt like a mother bird returning to her nest with her little birds. I cooked and got everything onto the table and then my oldest daughter picked over her food and ate almost nothing. I have to adjust to my college age daughter being home. She is fiercely independent and has been away most of the past for two years, and is accustomed to running her own life and not listening to her mother or contributing to the household. It makes me crazy of course, and she is clearly eager to get out of the house as soon as possible, which both makes me sad and relieved. I am surprised she wants to come to Ecuador with us; I guess she wants to go to Ecuador but does not want to be too close to her family. Which is perfectly normal for teenagers. I cannot remember wanting to be around my parents at that age!!!!
Maya will have only three more days of school. She cleaned out her desk and her locker today and seems to be gearing toward our year away. When I am more positive about Ecuador, she gets more excited. Unfortunately I have been unable to get her interested in learning Spanish. I have Spanish instruction books and workbooks and they do not catch her attention at all. I wonder how we will get her prepared for school. We register next Monday, and pay a big chunk of her tuition, so that will be a moment of commitment. We have a lease offer too, and that will be another move toward commitment. I want to find something wrong with the offer, so I can have some room to keep my options open. Avoiding decisions as usual.
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