Making Choices

We walked and walked all day today, first for a good coffee (my mother always advises us to try a Canadian coffee shop called 'Second Cup') and then down St. Catherine's to the Apple store to have my computer looked at (I dropped it) and Eric's cell phone replaced (it is his third lemon in the year since he bought it but we are still devoted Apple fans). Our next destination was St. Laurent for lunch at Schwarz's; I don't think Maya or Eric or Karen were too impressed. I once lived not far from St. Laurent, so it was familiar territory. My favorite deli was Ben's, which was in an entirely different part of the city, but closed a few years ago. It was an all night diner and served a huge and varied menu including yummy cheese blintzes. St Laurent was popular not only for smoked meat, but also for the best bagels ever. Funny how one remembers places for the food one ate!

There is so much construction going on in Montreal. Many corners have changed,  yet so much remains familiar. We walked down St. Denis and to Old Montreal and the Old Port, which is new in the sense that it was not developed when I lived here. I showed Karen the Hotel Saint Sulpice, where Tara and Maya stayed when I was showing Tara McGill and trying to convince her to like Montreal as much as I once did. Ultimately Tara chose NYU and New York instead. Eric, Maya and I had once stayed at Hotel XIX, also in Old Montreal. We had driven up one Thursday afternoon for a long weekend in late February, and it was brutally cold and I was worried that my Prius would freeze and not start again. We stored it in a garage all weekend and luckily it started when we were ready to go and did just fine driving back to Baltimore.

I wondered today again what my life would have been like had I stayed in Montreal. Eric has colleagues/collaborators here and one of the possibilities for a sabbatical would have been to come to Montreal for a year, in fact in many ways it would have been a practical sort of choice for Eric. Instead, when Eric suggested Montreal rather than Ecuador to me, my response was that there was no question it had to be Ecuador, since Ecuador was a once in a lifetime opportunity that could not be missed. We discussed it over dinner at a Portugese restaurant tonight. He tells me that it is my choice that we are going to Ecuador, that he gave me several chances to back out and that each time I insisted that the only choice was Ecuador. Of course it is my choice, I have had every possible chance to change my mind and not rent our house or close my practice. This is not a move I would have suggested or initiated, but once it was presented to me as a possibility, I was insistent that we had to do it.

More Good-Byes

I am sitting on a bed in our hotel room in Montreal listening to Maya learn a new violin piece with my sister. My sister once played the violin, so they speak the same language. Maya gets so frustrated with me and vice versa whenever we practice together, so this is a treat for both of us. We left Kingston this morning to meet my parents in Ottawa for another few hours and ate more food and said our good-byes again and again. We dreamed about meeting in Cuba next February, but that is unlikely. I cannot imagine my parents will travel much anymore. This visit was a stretch for them.

Montreal beckons. We are staying on Sherbrooke near McGill, and the streets of full of people on a Wednesday night. We were referred to '3 Brasseurs' on Ste Catherine's for dinner; not very good food but according to Eric and Karen the beer was excellent. We have eaten so well these past three days, not just well but huge amounts, so we had hoped for a small bit of 'good enough' food. Eric tried 'poutine', a Quebecois dish of french fries, meat sauce and chunks of cheese, really rather disgusting. We had another version in Ottawa at the Murray Street bistro, but it was a gourmet attempt with spatzle and duck liver and was an entirely different experience. We have been indulged with incredible wine and wonderful food for the graduation extravaganza; I am relieved to eat fruit and salad for the next several weeks.

Ecuador food is simple, and I am looking forward to it. There are many different and interesting fruits and vegetables that we do not see in the United States. Ecuadorians eat corn and bananas and beans in all sorts of varieties, and lots of chicken and pork and rarely guinea pig. I have not tried the guinea pig, but my understanding is that it is just for special occasions and not eaten on a daily basis. Certainly it has not been offered at any meal when I have visited in the past. I like going to the market and trying the unfamiliar fruits that I see. I am anticipating healthy food choices and a healthier lifestyle altogether!

I am wondering about life without a job to go to daily. Will I be overwhelmed with all the time I will have to myself when Eric is at the lab and Maya will be at school? I am expecting it to be such a relief that I will not be able or willing to return to work when we are back in Baltimore. I look at my mother and sisters and find it remarkable that they have all had full and productive lives but have chosen not to work outside of the home. I have always justified my work because I felt I had no choice. I had to provide for my family, and I felt lucky to have a profession I found rewarding and never dull. I also felt defined by my work. I was a doctor, I helped people, I made them better, or so I thought and hoped and felt purposeful about. It has been difficult to end my practice and say good-bye to my patients, but now that it is almost over, I am excited about this year without the responsibility of so many lives. Just a few more weeks until I will be waking up each morning and making a decision to read a book or take a walk or bike with my daughter or whatever sounds interesting or compelling. I am beginning to question the years of intense work and my focus on my patients; was it for the income or was there a greater purpose? Will I have an identity without my work? What will I say when people ask me what I do for a living? Do I say I am retired? I guess that answer is that I am taking a sabbatical. Eric seemed perfectly comfortable with the idea of me not returning to work, as long as I can manage on his income. I have no idea if I can do that. Would I work if it was not necessary for survival?

Our move to Ecuador is leading me to question so many of my life choices, but perhaps it is also because of other factors that have come together now. My parents are aging, my daughter is leaving home, the balance of power in my marriage is changing, I am questioning my purpose and my identity, the list goes on and on. And I am writing about it, forcing myself to stop and think and reflect. In my ordinary life, I was running too fast and unable or unwilling to take the time to question anything. My life was a whirlwind of activity, with more added all the time, never slowing down or stopping to wonder why. When I met Eric, he asked me several times about what I was running from, but after a while he ran with me, or at least did not question the pace too much. The move to Ecuador offers me the possibility to quiet down, to find a place of peace I am convinced is somewhere inside of me. I do not regret the incredible pace of my life, but I welcome the new places I am going.

The limited income worries me. I am accustommed to more than enough to live on, to indulge myself, particularly enough to travel wherever I want (actually I could travel much much more that I do if I had no children or no work and far more income). Living off of half Eric's salary for a year sounds daunting. I will have to adjust to living with far less that I am used to. It feels like a major challenge and I hope I can prevail. I hope it ends up being a romantic experience, or at least that a life lesson will be to learn how to live with only the necessities. I feel supported by Eric who does not imply that I will be limited or restricted. There will simply be a finite amout to live on and we will work together to provide for our lives. I guess I have never felt 'poor'in my life, where the focus will be to have enough to eat. So many people in the world focus entirely on getting enough sustenance. What is one's life like when procuring enough to eat is the major focus of one's life?

I am definitely feeling less scared about the move. All the hard work devoted to moving and closing the practices is almost over. Ecuador is weeks away and we are almost ready to go!

Graduation

I had a discussion with my sister about our experiences as young adults. Our parents were proud of us but not excessively so. None of our graduations were celebrated, as if they were just routine. My niece Lorna called her family in France and there too the event is not as marked an occasion as it is here in North America. Perhaps this is the way it should be. My father looked so proud to see his grand-daughter graduate from Queen's University. Perhaps it is a different time of his life, when everything that happens with the family is more precious and memorable. My sister and her husband made the occasion momentous. I found myself simply pleased to see the three sisters and the three generations together. Maya was ecstatic to have so much family around her. She asked me tonight if I would let her stay with her grandparents for longer and I wish I could put her on a plane for a few extra days with them. My mother kept asking if this was the last time that I would see them, and certainly it will be the last time in many months, and it does not feel good to say good-bye to them. It may well be the last time ever, that feels so final and makes me so very sad.

Ecuador is so much further away than anywhere I have lived. I cannot jump in a car or a train or a plane and be with them in a short time. My parents are older and less mobile and are missing me more and more. It seems impossible for them to visit us while we are there. So this is good-bye and it is final. We talked about meeting in Cuba for my father's 90th birthday. I imagine there lots of affordable flights to Cuba from Quito, and it is a major destination for Canadians. My parents speak often of breaking up the winter with a trip to the Dominican Republic or Cuba, both very popular destinations for frozen Edmontonians in the dead of winter. Celebrating my father's 90th birthday in Cuba sounds perfect, but looking at the frailty of my father and my mother's challenges suggests that Cuba is unrealistic for them. We will try to come home for Christmas, but that may not happen.

My parents will fly home tomorrow with Edouard, Thierry will fly to San Francisco for work, Monica and Lorna will drive to Boston where Lorna will interview for jobs, and Eric, Maya, Karen and I will visit Montreal for a few days. Montreal was home for me for a few years after medical school. I did my internship and practiced on an emergency psychiatry unit. I decided after a couple of years to do a residency in psychiatry and returned to Edmonton to do that. I have visited Montreal a dozen times since I left in 1995. There is a wonderful Jazz festival in early July each year which we will miss this visit. It began when I lived in Montreal and has grown huge over the years. I brought Tara and Maya to McGill for a college visit three years ago and was unable to convince Tara to consider the university at all, but Maya assured me she would attend McGill when she was ready to go to college! We do not have an agenda for Montreal this time. Wandering around Old Montreal and the port is a start. Eric will visit colleagues at McGill, while the girls explore.

Family Celebrations

I found myself to be an excellent 'guesser' today. My brother-in-law had compiled a list of twelve questions about the Rideau Canal, which we were to learn about as we drove and visited the sites and museums along the way. Eric, Maya, and I stayed in Ottawa for the day and missed the leisurely drive. Eric had appointments with colleagues at the University and Maya and I visited the Museum of Civilization and marveled at the towering totem poles from the coastal Indian tribes. I was born in Vancouver, British Columbia and lived the first several years of my life there and again wondered what my life would have been like had we stayed there. Who would I be and what would I be doing with my life? Would I have studied medicine and practiced as a psychiatrist? I imagine I would not be moving to Ecuador next month!

Maya was impressed with the exhibitions at the museum (it is not so easy to impress nine year olds, I have discovered). I was intrigued by the architecture (Cardinal has designed many such buildings) and the collection of native artifacts. I wanted to spend so much more time there. Maya was more interested in an exhibit of Egyptian mummies, and we watched an IMAX movie about the same subject. There was so much more to see in the museum, but we met Eric and decided to have a sushi snack (I love Unagi-eel) and start our journey along the Rideau Canal to Kingston. Thierry had organized a scenic drive with several stops along the way. We picked up our list of questions but did not stop at the places that would have provided the answers ( and had no opportunity to check things on the internet). We met at the 'Keg', a steakhouse that I remember from teenage years. There we entered a competition regarding the questions, and my guesses were remarkable! I have never studied or read about Canadian history, and the questions that arose today certainly piqued my interest. I wonder if what I really want to do in Ecuador is read everything I have not read since my first two years of college. I have so much to catch up on! I always read bits and pieces, but never enough; I can fake it and pretend that I have read everything that is current, but I have not taken the time to be 'well read'. At this point I will never catch up, but perhaps I can just a little. I wonder if after a year off work I will want to stay unemployed while I catch up on all the things I have no time for now. I may enjoy it so much that I will never want to return to the office. Eric is convinced I will want to work, as much because I enjoy the freedom of having an income, as the fun of interacting with people everyday. I am confident that I will be perfectly happy not working. The toughest adjustment may be the limited income. I still find myself resistent to the idea of a budget, but I am confident that I will manage whatever our limitations are and may in fact feel lighter with less.

We are in Kingston to celebrate my niece's graduation. It is quite the fanfare! I don't remember any such events when I graduated for my BS, MD or residency. Perhaps it was not the tradition then, but each degree came and went without much ado. I am not sure my parents or family attended any graduations or celebrated. Each time it was just a done deal and life went on. I know my parents valued education and were happy about our university accomplishments, but there was definitely nothing organized to mark the events. For me, it is the chance to see the whole family together again that is most special. Maya is thrilled to see her cousins, aunts and uncle and grandparents. I am not sure when we will have such an opportunity again. My mother is not enhusiastic about computers, but Edouard will transport my IMac to Edmonton and set it up so we will never have to miss a day of videochat with my parents. That will help keep us connected while we live in Ecuador; Maya will play violin for my father and I will be able to check on them regularly. Not that videochat will make up for the distance, but it will be better than phonecalls or letters or even email. Hurrah for technology.

Lucky Me

Ottawa is a beautiful city for five months of the year. Otherwise it is brutally cold. Of course, the natives are into winter sports and enjoy the canal and skating and cross country skiing and snowshoeing. For now, it is sunny and the sky is blue and the location of the city on the river/canal is stunning. The old parliament buildings are well preserved and very imposing. My parents and sisters are staying at the local Fairmont hotel, which looks like a castle near the government buildings. It is a lovely hotel from the times of the railroad barons, with a history of visits from royalty and celebrities; photos of past glory line every wall. The swimming pool in the basement is stately and in art deco style. Otherwise the style is late 1800's and early 1900's, updated but retaining the glory of the past.

We stayed at a perfectly acceptable Crowne Plaza ( and much less expensive) and walked to the Fairmont for breakfast and exploring. We passed the parliament buildings and scores of runners and walkers in pink who were participating in a fund drive/celebration for breast cancer. What Maya wanted all day was to go swimming in a pool. It did not matter if it was the pool at our hotel or at the Fairmont; swimming is what she wanted, and she waited all day to finally swim just before bed.

I had no idea what the agenda was. We had breakfast with my parents and then off we were to a lovely restaurant called 'Les Fougeres' across the river in Gatineau. Lorna's boyfriend is Colin, and his mother, her sister and grandmother all live off the Gatineau river in a wooded area; and the sister and brother in law have an excellent restaurant. We ate foie gras and confit de canard and strawberry shortcake and I sat next to the owner of the restaurant and we talked about our struggles with our young adult/teenage children. Afterward, we visited the homes of Colin's mother and her sister and took a walk along the river and the railroad tracks. A steam train takes tourists on a lazy ride along the tracks which have been there over a hundred years. The men of the party went golfing. Eric has not golfed in over twenty years and apparently played in his socks and did not embarrass himself too much. Maya had a trampoline to play on and basset hounds and a young lab and a cat to endear herself to, but was only waiting for her chance to go swimming all day.

We were celebrating Lorna's graduation. She finished her political science degree and is looking for work for a law firm to prepare for her application to law school. Her parents are planning to provide her with an apartment and help her get started, so I felt guilty about telling my daughter that she would have to provide for herself. I had this painful conversation before she left for Europe. Since she is not attending school, I insisted that she work and take care of herself and that I had no intention of supporting her. Now I am wondering if I was too harsh. I remember being so independent as a teenager and eager to work and pay my bills and be an adult. Are children today less capable of being independent financially? Am I pushing Tara too much to be on her own and manage her own apartment and her own finances? I certainly found myself questioning my words and wondering if Tara really needed more support for longer.

I had fun explaining our plans for Ecuador. The reaction continues to be surprise but also encouragement and excitement. There is no doubt that Eric and I are doing something amazing. We are jumping off a cliff and landing in an entirely different world. And although I am struggling with the loss of my familiar life, I feel less anxious about the unknowns next year. There is a part of me that is going on simple blind faith, that we will land on our feet, that we will face all our challenges and that this year will be a turning point in our lives together. There will be our lives before and our lives after Ecuador, and there will be no turning back to our lives before. We will be forever altered by the experience.

I expect to have more time for Eric and Maya and more time for myself. The forty plus hours I devote to my patients are now mine, to do with what I choose. The possibilities are many and I am feeling very lucky right now.

New Beginnings

As much as yesterday felt like the end of all that was familiar in my life, today was a new beginning. Not that we did much today. We woke up later than usual, packed up, and headed for Ottawa. For the next ten hours! The Pennsylvania police were out in force, so we were stopped outside of Harrisburg going 13 miles per hour over the speed limit. The ticket itself was supposedly only $25, but added to that were all sorts of extra fees for different services, ending at $109. After that Eric slowed down, and the drive was endless.

I have no problem with long drives. I do not get irritable or agitated, which is what I would expect, considering that I am stuck in an uncomfortable seat and I can't sleep or read or entertain myself. And Maya keeps asking 'Are we there yet?'. I like that I am moving, that the scenery is gorgeous, That Eric and I can talk and neither of us can go anywhere or avoid the conversation. We are sitting next to each other and there are hours and hours to cover every topic and sort out every dilemma.

Of course Ecuador was the focus for most of the drive. I had Maya do page after page of Spanish exercises, and reviewed the words with both Eric and Maya, so we are starting to make some progress on the language. I am not sure that we will have such an opportunity until we drive back, but it felt like an accomplishment. The reward was Nintendo time (I absolutely hate that apparatus!) and movies.

I looked for healthy meal choices along the way but was repeatedly disappointed. I wondered what people who want to eat well choose on a road trip. In the end it was Subway and Dunkin' Donuts, neither particularly well rounded as far as food choices go.

Our plans for Ecuador are coming together. Our movers are coming June 15-16 to help Eric with the big pieces at he house and at the offices. Maya may be able to attend a music camp or hang out with her friend Belina. Eric leaves for Woods Hole on the 19th and Maya and I may go with him for the weekend and then return for dance camp for Maya and more work for me. I have two busy weeks booked until the end of June and then the one office closes June 30 and the other sputters through until July 11 and then closes. We travel to Cape Cod for July 4th weekend and again July 11. My birthday is July 16 and last year we spent it sailing with my sister and her family in Boston. I like to sail on my birthday, actually I would like to sail much more regularly. I am not much of a sailor but I love to be on a boat in the bay with the sun shining and the sea moving. We have spent several of my birthdays sailing around Baltimore, Cape Cod and now Boston. So I think that is what I want to do again on my birthday, so we will try to arrange it.

The renters move in on the 15th of July, so if when I return to Baltimore I will be camping o somebody's couch. I may drive my car to Florida to leave with Eric's parents, and then fly from Miami to Quito. Eric has to stay in Woods Hole until early August and will join me after he finishes up work in Baltimore. We discussed mail and banking and whether to rent furnished or unfurnished and how much money we have to live on (very little) and where in Quito we will live. I wanted to live closer to his university although Maya's school is far off in the north of the city, so I will have to rethink where would be the most practical place to be. Once I am actually there I can start to explore places to live. I have done that already once, so I am somewhat prepared for what to expect this time.

Our dog is at our Daphne and Julien's house. He moved Friday. He has been disturbed for weeks, wondering about all the activity in the house with the moving of boxes and clearing out rooms. I don't think he expected to be carted off to a strange house. We had brought him over for dinner on two occasions before, and he had been quite comfortable each time. But going without us and staying is new for him and I know he wandered through the house and whined a bit. I think the family will enjoy him and he will have a good experience with them. It is possible that after a year Belina and Marius and Daphne and Julien will not want to let him go, and I have tried to prepare Maya for that. I have had mixed feelings about Elmer since we had him. I loved Pippi so much I had no room for another dog in my heart, and did not give Elmer alot of slack. I was angry at him when he chewed and always compared him to my other dog and found him wanting. But he has matured and turned into a wonderful dog and now that he is gone I miss him too. The house is so empty. No Pippi, no Elmer, no Tara, the house is losing all that made it my home.

I like roadtrips. We took them as children quite regularly. When we lived in Rome, my father would pile us in his big grey Mercedes and head for the north of Italy (my grandmother lived in South Tyrol) or Germany ( my other grandparents) or Spain or Greece. I had my spot in the car behind my father in the driver's seat, Monica behind the passenger seat and Karen in the middle. When we lived in Canada, we would drive to Tucson from Edmonton, and in the big grey car, through Waterton, Yellowstone and Bryce and Zion and the Grand Canyon.

I drive regularly to New York, and grit my teeth when I hit the traffic; I just want to get to my destination. But there is something different about a long drive like today. The journey is the destination. The landscape is spectacular. Pennsylvania is different than New York State and the Thousand Islands area as we enter Canada is a place to revisit and spend much more time exploring. Ottawa is a cosmopolitan place. We met my parents and Karen and Monica and Lorna and Edouard and Lorna's beau Colin and his mother and had gourmet Quebecois food and good conversation and all sorts of plans for the next few days of celebration.

Packing, Losing and Gaining

My friend Emily came over this afternoon to help me pack up my crystal. Somehow with her encouragement, I was able to get motivated and actually accomplish something! The house does not look different, but I know that there is progress, so I feel a little better. Eric has arranged to have our movers come a few days after we return from Canada. Maya and I will be living with one bed and personal items, no furniture,; Eric will be at Woods Hole.

I expected to feel lighter, less burdened, more hopeful. That has not happened yet. I am depressed about losing my practice, losing my home, losing my daughter, losing my family, losing my income, what else am I losing?

I must start looking at what I am going to learn and experience and enjoy during my time in Ecuador. I have been wallowing in this place of loss for weeks now, and I am incapable of looking forward and anticipating the excitement of the move. Which is the only way to do this!

I will start by bringing my Spanish books with me on the ride to Ottawa. I hope I can get Maya involved and have her practice along with me, but she will be playing with her Nintendo and watching movies. I don't mind sitting in the car and watching the world go by. Eric loves to drive, and although I will offer to drive, he most likely will stay behind the wheel for the full eight hours.