Goodbyes

I said goodbye to my daughter Tara today. This is a true separation, different from any other goodbyes; final, I can't go back and fix anything anymore in her life. Not that I have been able to fix anything for years, but there has always been hope that I can make a difference. I left Tara with Maya for a few hours, hoping they would have some time to connect, but I am not sure that really happened, I have so little control over anything anymore. Tara wants so desperately to be away from Baltimore, from me, from the family that she has. She has been miserable at home, but then again this has not been home, we have been living out of suitcases, clothes piled up on chairs, nothing where I can find it, sleeping on the floor, borrowing Daphne's car, eating extraordinarily healthy food.

Tara likes to bake, and took over the kitchen today, baking ginger cookies, which were all gone very quickly. We watched an episode of Trueblood this evening . I have missed too many episodes, not having had a television. There has been no time to watch TV anyway. Tara knows how to download anything off the internet, I have no idea how she does it. I thought she would be gone yesterday, and expressed disappointment that she had decided not to spend the day with me, so I wonder if she felt guilty and decided to stay a little longer. She catches a flight to Las Vegas early tomorrow morning to see her cousins out west, so she took the train to DC this evening.

Originally when our plan for Ecuador germinated, we expected Tara to stay at school in New York. In time, however, it became clear that she wanted more than anything else to get away from her life. I would rather have her with me, get to know her better, experience Ecuador together. But at 19, it is natural for her to want to live her own life, her own dreams. And I must let her go, even if my heart is breaking and I don't feel she is ready and I am certainly not ready.